Headstart

For the mere fact I've been on this planet for 22 years, I've spent the majority of it trailing behind others, always being second-best, and cast aside.

People were often shocked when I'd fire out comments which seemed out of pocket and out of character – at least for the "character" they knew me to be. Through superficial social hierarchies, they'd trained me to believe in self inferiority. I may be many things, but inferior isn't one of them, nor would I dream of designating categories as such, but I do argue they exist. Do your parents have money? Do they buy you the latest iPhone? Are you good at competitive sports? Do you own named clothes and shoes? Congratulations — you just might be popular, though we know it to mean more than that. You can't be an entirely outwardly ugly individual (in the moral sense more so than physical) – your actions and treatment of others is paramount. You can't gain trust and earn respect from others without a pinch of kindness.

I've always tried to look out for others, especially those who have found it difficult to enter social circles, either due to social anxiety and/or neurodivergence. Often, they're the people everybody pities and leaves behind. Fortunately for me, they make for the most extraordinary of friends as they don't fit the cookie-cutter mold society had tried to condition them into. I really don't value individuals who act as anything but individual. Being part of a clique that exclusively consists of a single personality type borders on a predictable archetype I will never subscribe to. Yawn. I will, however, still exchange in pleasant dialogue as I don't dislike these groups, nor envy them, though I am often not welcome in their spaces to begin with.

People find me difficult to categorise. I'm heavily extraverted, relying on the company of others so that I can function like a 'normal' (whatever that is) human being. I like elements of popular culture, but I still retain my interests and quirks like everyone else. I don't subscribe to the herd mentality, and do my best to rationalise before making any concrete decision, though I can be prone to spontaneity. At times, I have controversial opinions which can find me in hot water with some, but I enjoy engaging in healthy political debates with friends who are comfortable doing so. I'm always the first one to apologise after an argument – which I think is one of my best qualities – because I don't shy away from accountability. I'm a very imperfect person. I am a hypocrite at times, but not afraid to say it... does saying that make the statement paradoxical? I'll let you decide. Moreover, I've been known to empathise quite deeply with others' turbulent situations, finding myself crying alongside them. I understand the fragility and complexity of the human condition to the point where I no longer understand religion because what "good" God could ever cause suffering to the most innocent of people? I am a very existential thinker, as you'll come to realise more and more through my words. I'm no philosopher; won't tell you how to live but I can tell you how to manage your thoughts. I've gotten so good at this even the "adult premiums" (the real tax paying adults) believe I'd make a decent therapist.

Back to the whole popularity contest shebang, it's not something I expect to ever win. Is it even something you can? Well, whilst popularity doesn't necessarily equate to success, it certainly fuels it. Having unequivocal support is an alien concept to me. Sure, there are a handful who continually share their words of encouragement and praise with me, but with most it comes at a time too late, as a result of the darkness of my mind closing in. As a result, I give up on my ideas and plans instantaneously.

Those with unwavering, oftentimes blind support, unlock the headstart which kick-starts their success. In my case, right now is about proving I have what it takes to be successful in the hopes you will believe it, too. As the days progress, maybe more of you will stick by my side. Maybe you won't. I can't force you to.

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